Here are some things you're likely to find in this film: a snake, several more snakes, spaghetti, a wooden leg, an eye, a wedding, a spittoon, multiple grammar lessons, nasty accidents, carnivorous leeches, a fortune, mortal peril, mysterious fires, a theatre critic, ingenious escapes, and no happy little elves at all.

The film really is a series of unfortunate events - but the events are so entertaining, the characters so loony, the costumes so marvellous, and the art direction so breathtaking that you'll be perfectly happy to watch three innocent children suffer so you can enjoy yourself. They're quite resilient children, admittedly: one (Browning) is an inventor, the second (Aiken) is frankly hyperliterate, and the third likes to get her teeth into all sorts of stuff. So when their parents are killed in a mysterious fire (see, I warned you about fires), they're quite well equipped to cope with the demented relatives on whom they're foisted - even when one of these is super-raving loony Count Olaf (Carrey), who wants to steal their inheritance.

Sounds good, doesn't it? How fortunate that we're screening it.*

* Disclaimer: The film is a lot funnier than that feeble joke.