Retired

Extremely

Dangerous

Frank Morgan (Willis) spends his retirement from the CIA tearing up his pension cheques so that he can complain by telephone to his pension call-centre that they have not arrived - an excuse to chat to call-centre worker Sarah (Parker).

But Frank's house is invaded and blown up, so he kidnaps Sarah, then meets old buddy/enemy mad Marvin Boggs (Malkovich) who says: "Frank, I never thought I'd say this again. I'm getting the pig!"

Later the flower-arranging Victoria (Mirren) looks ravishing in a ball gown accessorised with a sub-machine gun. Although having Victoria as your girl is a bit iffy, as she reminisces on how she concluded a previous relationship with three bullets to her lover's chest.

Yes, the plot of this movie makes very little sense. But this geriaction comedy is a lot of fun. Morgan Freeman has an extended cameo as another retired CIA hitman. Also enjoyable is 93-year-old Ernest Borgnine's cameo as the librarian of a very, very secret CIA vault. ("I didn't know this place existed." "It doesn't.")

Plus the special effects are truly special, with the action sequences intentionally over-the-top implausible. Laugh-out-loud is the comeuppance of a bazooka. Also laugh-out-loud is the power of a pen in a parking lot.

After meticulously preparing a dingy flat on a quiet street with soundproofing and shackles, two men set about the abduction of Alice Creed (Arterton). Although the initial plan her abductors, older alpha male Vic (Marsan) and young schemer Danny (Compston), have is to demand two million pounds from Alice’s cashed up father, both have ulterior motives and further connections that the other is unaware of. The straight up kidnapping quickly becomes a three way battle of wills that anyone could win.

The Disappearance of Alice Creed is an entertaining B-movie thriller with a focus on dynamic plot turns as the motivations and back-stories of the three characters are unveiled. Each twist lasts just about long enough for viewers not to start thinking about how silly it is, and on the odd occasion when this realisation catches up with viewers the first rate cast do their best to distract. In the hands of lesser actors the film could have been a real disaster but each of the three, and there are only three actors in the film, capture their characters flawlessly and manage to pull off even the most tenuously constructed parts of the film.